Triangulation in relationships: understanding it and breaking free from it
What is triangulation?
Triangulation is a relational process in which a third party is involved to manage, divert, or stabilize tension between two people. Instead of addressing the conflict directly within the primary relationship (the dyad), one of the individuals brings in a third person—intentionally or not—to ease emotional pressure, gain support, or maintain an illusory balance.
According to Bowen, triangulation is a way to reduce anxiety within the family system: when tension appears between two members, it is “diluted” by involving a third (Bowen, 1978).
More recent research confirms this dynamic: it especially appears when a child is placed at the center of a marital conflict, used as a mediator or emotional ally (McCauley, Sloan, Xia & Fosco, 2021).
In romantic or friendly relationships, triangulation occurs when one partner conveys messages through a third party, talks about the other rather than to them, or seeks external validation to reinforce their position (Dallos & Vetere, 2012).
Why does triangulation occur?
Triangulation is not always conscious: it often stems from a need for emotional regulation or avoidance of direct conflict.
In family systems, it may temporarily soothe tension between two members, but it creates chronic instability by shifting the tension rather than resolving it (Minuchin, 1974).
Several mechanisms can explain its emergence:
• Fear of rejection or confrontation, leading one to seek external support.
• A need for control or validation, common in relationships marked by emotional insecurity (Dallos & Vetere, 2012).
• A learned pattern from childhood, when a child was involved in parental tensions and had to “play the role of mediator.”
Thus, although triangulation may feel protective in the short term, it prevents the primary relationship from developing on healthy, mature foundations.
The effects of triangulation
Effects vary depending on the context, but studies converge: triangulation weakens the emotional and relational health of those involved.
• In children and adolescents, it increases the risk of anxiety, guilt, internalizing problems (depression, social withdrawal), or externalizing problems (anger, opposition) (Buehler & Welsh, 2009).
• In couples, it fosters mistrust, confusion, and emotional dependence, while making direct communication more difficult (Dallos & Vetere, 2012).
• At a systemic level, it blocks authentic conflict resolution and maintains emotional instability (McCauley et al., 2021).
Those caught in triangulation often describe feeling helpless, guilty, or emotionally drained, as if they were responsible for others’ wellbeing.
How to recognize triangulation?
You may be involved in a triangulation if:
• You act as a messenger between two people who no longer communicate directly.
• You feel you are being asked to take sides.
• You are used as a witness or support in a conflict that does not directly concern you.
• You feel torn by divided loyalty, uncomfortable with either person.
• Direct exchanges between the two main people are rare or avoided.
In intimate relationships, triangulation can also take the form of a symbolic “third presence”: an ex, a friend, an activity, or even a phone becomes a way to avoid direct connection.
How to break free from it?
- Recognize the pattern
Identifying triangulation is the first step. Naming the dynamic helps you regain an observer’s perspective and avoid being emotionally pulled in. - Reestablish clear boundaries
Encourage direct communication between the people involved:
“I’d prefer if you discussed that directly with him/her.”
Refuse to act as an intermediary or emotional buffer. - State your limits
Clarify what you are willing—or not willing—to hear. You can be empathetic without becoming a relay. - Strengthen your emotional autonomy
Ask yourself: What is my responsibility? Am I carrying something that is not mine?
Refocusing helps you step out of the “savior” or “mediator” role. - Promote authentic dialogue
If triangulation persists, psychological support can help restore communication in the dyad. Family or couple therapy works to strengthen differentiation and the ability to speak directly without a third party (Bowen, 1978; McCauley et al., 2021). - Protect your emotional integrity
In situations of manipulation or control, triangulation can become a strategy of domination. In such cases, emotional distance—even cutting contact—may be necessary to preserve your wellbeing.
In summary
Triangulation is an unconscious attempt to regulate relational tension by involving a third party. Although it may seem protective, it fosters confusion, guilt, and avoidance of authentic dialogue.
Becoming aware of it, setting boundaries, and restoring direct communication makes it possible to rebuild healthier and more peaceful connections—with others and with oneself.
Need to speak? You can book an appointment.
