Managing Jealousy in a Relationship: Understanding and Soothing It

Jealousy is a very familiar emotion in romantic relationships. It can arise suddenly, invade daily life, awaken fears, and sometimes shake the foundations of trust. Yet behind this emotional wave, there is often a hidden call — an unexpressed need, a lack, or an old wound.

In this article, we will explore what jealousy is, how it shows up in relationships, the psychological mechanisms behind it, and practical ways to soothe it and restore a more peaceful connection.

1. What Is Jealousy?

At a basic level, jealousy can be defined as an emotional, cognitive, and behavioral reaction to a perceived threat to a relationship — a fear of losing the other person, of being replaced, or of no longer mattering.

According to a study by Michele Scheinkman and Denise Werneck (2010), jealousy is “a hub of feelings, thoughts, beliefs, actions, and contradictory reactions” in romantic relationships.

In other words, it oscillates between love and anger, vulnerability and aggression, a desire for closeness and a fear of being suffocated.

2. Why Does Jealousy Appear in Couples?

Here are some common factors:

1. a) Personal insecurities
   When self-esteem is fragile, jealousy can surface more easily. It is sometimes less about what the partner does and more about how we feel about ourselves.
2. b) Attachment style and past experiences
   Past experiences of rejection, infidelity, or abandonment can trigger vulnerability. Scheinkman & Werneck (2010) suggest that the jealous partner fears that the present situation will repeat a past betrayal or abandonment.
3. c) Couple dynamics: the jealousy–vigilance “dance”
   Jealousy often creates a circular pattern: a perceived threat → questioning or monitoring → the partner feels accused or restricted → withdraws or reacts → the jealous partner feels confirmed → the cycle escalates. Scheinkman & Werneck describe this as a “dance of escalation.”
4. d) Infidelity, betrayal, and comparison
   When infidelity (emotional or sexual) is real or feared, jealousy can take over. Rokach & Chan (2023) show that reactions differ depending on the type of infidelity and the attachment style involved.
5. Signs and Manifestations of Jealousy

Here are common signs to watch for:

• Persistent “what if” thoughts and comparisons
  
• Monitoring: phone, social media, behaviors
  
• Frequent questioning or accusations
  
• Withdrawal, resentment, or distance
  
• Attempts to control — or conversely, avoidance
  
• Emotional outbursts: anger, sadness, feeling “less than”
  
• Decline in freedom, autonomy, and trust

4. Why It’s Important to Act

If jealousy is ignored, it can:

• Erode trust, spontaneity, and intimacy
  
• Create a dynamic of surveillance instead of shared freedom
  
• Lead to withdrawal, isolation, or even violence in extreme cases
  
• Hide deeper issues such as low self-esteem, anxiety, or attachment wounds
  

5. Steps to Soothe Jealousy

Step 1: Acknowledge and name the emotions

• Identify the feeling (fear, anger, shame, abandonment)
  
• Identify triggers
  
• Distinguish past wounds from present reality
  
• Use phrases like: “When you do X, I feel Y and I fear Z.”
  
  
  

Step 2: Create clear and calm communication

• Choose the right moment
  
• Use “I feel” rather than “You always…”
  
  
  
• Express needs clearly
  
• Set respectful communication rules if needed
  

Step 3: Work on self-esteem and vulnerability

• Recognize the underlying fear
  
• Ask yourself: “What am I afraid of losing?”
  
  
  
• Strengthen self-worth outside the relationship
  
• Seek individual therapy if needed

Step 4: Build shared trust practices

• Define what is acceptable in the relationship
  
• Create rituals of connection and reassurance
  
• Remember: freedom supports trust, it doesn’t threaten it

Step 5: Interrupt escalation

• Take a pause (physically or mentally)
  
• Challenge automatic thoughts
  
• Avoid controlling or monitoring behaviors

6. When to Seek Professional Support

Professional help can be beneficial when:

• Jealousy leads to frequent conflict or verbal/physical aggression
  
• One partner feels suffocated or loses autonomy
  
• The relationship is dominated by suspicion or avoidance
  
• There are unhealed traumas, betrayals, or attachment wounds

Consultation can help:

• Reveal the hidden dynamics at play
  
• Reconnect vulnerabilities instead of defenses
  
• Restore a relationship rooted in trust, freedom, and mutual care

Conclusion

Jealousy is not a fatality — it is a signal. By recognizing its roots, opening communication, strengthening self-esteem, and building shared trust, a couple can grow through this challenge and emerge stronger.

If you would like personal or couples support, you are welcome to book a session so we can discuss it in complete confidentiality.